The Bear.... The Monster

It has been a while since I have blogged. When I started I was like "Oh yeah I am going to update every day." Haha what a joke on my end. Well there are so many days that are good and then there are the bad days. I am still praising God on the bad days because that is all I can do! Since I have started my blogs I have recently become a Pink Zebra consultant and I am really excited about this new chapter in my life. My daddy went to Jacksonville on April 30 with his autonomic neuropathy. It is confirmed that is what he has, he has more nerve and muscle damage than what they thought, and it seems to be getting worst. He is having more and more seizures. Today I am not sure what was wrong with daddy but oh man he was a BEAR today. It has also gotten to where all he wants to do is sleep. He don't want to get out in the shop, or he barely has any interest for anything. He goes back on May 15 to Jacksonville, FL so maybe we will be given more information. I really am starting to hate this MONSTER known as AUTONOMIC NEUROPATHY!! Tonight daddy had another seizure so then it brings questions to my mind about what is causing the seizures, and will I end up with this disease?

Walls that are being built...

For so long I had walls built up, and then I met my husband and those walls started to come down. I know that I haven't always been the easiest to live with, but for so long I felt that it was just me against the world. The other day there was something that was posted on facebook about birthdays and March fit me right down to a tee. Until my husband said that I don't keep things bottled up anymore. Then I realized that I have become more open here lately.

Yesterday daddy and I got into it, and we are so much alike that it is not even funny! So I was so aggravated then I went walking to get rid of the aggravation. I then realized that the walls that my husband had torn down are starting to be built back up slowly. Before spring break my mom had called me lazy. Then again I have dinner waiting when she comes home, house is clean, errands are ran, laundry gets done, and other chores are done around the house, but yet I am lazy. Then yesterday daddy made it sound like I couldn't work the machine at Burger King because it was broke. (Yet I visit Firehouse Subs quite frequently). So that is where the aggravation came from in a little way. The big part was that he wanted to clean his bathroom, and I know how he is when he stands still too long. So I just let him have his bathroom and let him clean it. I came and changed clothes and then I went for my walk. There are days that I actually look forward to the time he takes a nap!

There are so many emotions that has built up and so much aggravation that it just isn't right I take it out on Robert. There are times when my mom talks more to my baby sister, they don't keep me informed of anything unless I am there, and they don't talk to me. Those things hurt because it is like growing up all over again, and having to go through these things all over again. There are so many times when I have turned to God for guidance, and even turn to HIS word to see where I need to go.

Feeling the Blues

Ever just wanted tp be left alone? That's how I have been feeling here lately. Lately it seems like Robert and I are fighting more and more over finances, and we just don't communicate. Helping out my parents at times puts a strain on my marriage. So many times I am trying to turn to God for strength and also for refuge, but then there are times that I feel so alone. Even though I know that He is there with me.
Being with my mom and daddy and just hearing how poor they are, how broke they are, and how daddy just wants to basically give up and sell everything; it wears on your nerves. I understand that they are having money issues, but so are we (my husband and myself). There are times that is seems like they are not taking that into consideration. I am away from my husband for 4-5 days a week, and then trying to cram everything into two days gets old. There are nights I long for my husband's company.

Early this morning at 2:30 on March 20, 2013 daddy had a seizure. Mom and I had no idea what to do so we called 9-1-1. We were both woken up because of our bladders, and something told me to go to the kitchen and that's when I saw the light on in their bedroom. That is when I figured out something was wrong. Daddy was snoring really loud and was in coherent. It scared both of us. Mama finally called 9-1-1 and that is when they said that he had a seizure. Blood sugar was high, and his blood pressure was low. I finally got back to sleep about 5am after going to sleep about 12:15. It's been a long day. Daddy has slept most of the day. Today I just felt depressed, and very alone. Today has been a day I just wished for my husband's arms! My sister said something that was like a slap in the face and after she said it I could see it, but she said "Dad is going down fast." How true that is! I know that my daddy has accepted Christ into his heart, but I am not ready to see him go yet. I am a daddy's little girl and I wanted to fight her on this, but in the deepest part of my heart I knew that it was true. We have our good days and we have our bad days. It seems on the good days he is 49 soon to be 50 years old, but then on the bad days it seems like the 49 soon becomes 89 years old. This also wears on a person. I think I just need a vacation!

A little aggravation

Have you just ever gotten so aggravated that you just needed time to yourself? That's how I feel this morning! We live in a small two bedroom trailer with all of our junk in the house (I have had several yard sales but he don't want to get rid of anything). Not only that but he has to be like right there in every room, so there is really no where to go to be by myself. It seems like all we do is argue when I am home and then that is more I have on my shoulders when I go back to Blackshear! At times I wonder if it will ever end? I have tried and I have tried to be a godly woman but at times I just need my time! I know that we all have felt that way! All this arguing is getting old, and on top of it all he DOES NOT communicate with me at all! So how am I supposed to know what he wants and don't want? Not to mention the bedroom situation! That adds stress to a marriage as well!

Peace

I know that it sounds ugly, but today I just wanted to be left by myself today and to just enjoy a book. There are times that I feel that way! I know that it has to get boring just sitting around the house, but at times it gets difficult to go and just to do because of financial aspects! It gets hard to do things like this because money is tight on my parents' end and mine and my husband's end. I know it is unfair to my daddy for just sitting at the house, but there is so little the can be done. I pray that God blesses all of us financially! I don't have a job so things does get difficult. Towards the end of the week I find myself longing for my weekends and then I am longing for nothing in particular because of the arguing that happens  when I get home. I wish that there was more I could do with daddy for I know that it would do is good, but limited budget puts a hinder on that! He has big dreams of so many things and I'm the bearer of bad news because I cannot fulfill his dreams and I have dreams of a young woman who dreams of places so far out of her reach!

Raging Emotions

Wow as I am sitting here trying to understand everything I am becoming more and more preplexed. I know that when 2013 everything changed. Deep inside of me are the emotions of a young woman who will soon have a birthday and turn another year older. I am trying to grasp all that God has lead me to and brought me through over the years. Less than 30 years old and I already am feeling like my God at times has deserted me. Then I open up my Bible and I see it plainly that he has not forsaken me nor forgotten me. Psalm 38:21 says: Forsake me not, O Lord: O my God, be not far from me.

Those are some powerful words and I know that they are true. Last night at Women's meeting (we are studying the Book of Deuteronomy with Beth Moore.) When we have outgrown being special than we are too old. God love us no matter what we do and He wants us to know that! Then again we feel like it is so hard to trust anyone. Which it is at times, but then we have to put our whole trust in God. I have heard lately how come your parents don't hire a nurse? Or how come you are throwing your life away by helping take care of your daddy and here is the response. In the Bible it talks about taking care of the elderly, the orphans, the poor, the sick, and the widows. My daddy does have a rare condition, and my parents can't afford to hire a nurse. Does it get hard? Yes, but I strive ahead to do what I know God would want me to do.

I am just sitting here thinking about how things used to be! There was a time when we were able to just up and go, and now its if he feels like going somewhere and if he has a bad night. The days after he has a bad night are long and boring. We can't do too much for it tires him out and so then I have a lot of time on my hands because you see he needs constant care and someone watching him constantly. Sleepless nights for my mom, and long days are ahead. One of my devotions this morning was about waiting and being patient. That is something that we all have had to do is wait and be patient. Sometimes that is not the easiest thing to do, but we have to do what we have to do.